addicted

you drugged me with you voice, the more i listen the more i get hooked. if i failed to listen even in just a day it makes me crave for it, the longer i failed to listen the more it made me craved

BUT

you cured me with your love, feeling being reciprocated replinished every tiring mind and weary heart into a hopeful mind and a faithful and positively-loving heart. your LOVE is an antidote to my addiction of LONGING and MISSING you...

...i wish you were here or i were there or we're together hon,R.R.W.

homesick #2

i don't understand. here, away from all of you and with people i knew for a few months...
here, i tried to find a mirror of my life there.
...i tried to find a mirror of my family like someone to guide, someone to watch over me and someone to lecture me when im wrong. i think i found one... nah!!! its just a thought, they can never be. nobody c an give me a concern and care like my family does. here, somebody show me the way but nobody guides me, somebody watches me and will always be watching but doesn't mind if i stumble of not. lecture??? they don't even lecture their own son and daughter.

...i tried to find a mirror of my troops like those i can chat from dusk till dawn, those i can tease even in time when the cock just crows and they are yawning and those i can share my problems with. i think i found one... nah!!! its just a thought, they can never be. nobody can give me a concern and care like my troops does. here, chatting from dusk till dawn is only possible when you have trucks of beer or barrels of wine and teasing is always out of context. meaning, don't do it. problems??? face it on your own. you came here alone with your shadow only and now in times of darkness even your shadow hid.

...i tried to find a mirror of the person i fell in love with(R.R.W.). well, think again... its impossible, plain and simple. hearts doesn't look in mirrors.

THINK!!! whatcha gonna do???

LINKED AND LOCKED.LINKED AND LOCKED.LINKED AND LOCKED.LINKED AND LOCKED.LINKED AND LOCKED.

all i ask..

let me be there in your morning even if the sun won't show up.

let me be there in your night even if it is your darkest night.

let me be there to witness the changes in your life.

let me be there to be part of the change.

let me be there to help you change wrong into right.

let me be there to give a hand in fulfilling your dreams.

let me be there to help achieve ours.

let me be there inside your heart.

let me be there inside your heart.

let me be there inside your heart.

let me in there, hon.

a poet

"i tried to find silence in the depth cold of the night. i seek luminous light in the dark sky. my eyes wanders searching for a beautiful star and found none. i think of things that would salvage me from boredom yet my mind is weary from whole day of thinking. so, amidst all that is trying to occur i listen to my heart and there i found peace, blinding light and beauty. it made me feel of your presence and a real beauty shone in my mind, even if it is just a mental picture of you, hon."

I believed love itself is a poet because it made me one even in a short period of time. A special message created from the heart and for the special person, R.R.W.

Better Left Unsaid

i met this gurl unexpectedly. why unexpected because im not cool with the idea of "eb". still, i went and we met. by that time she helped and changed me a lot. she helped me picked up the shattered pieces of my heart without her knowing that while she's holding the last piece of it, it already beats for her like it already knew where it belong and like it found a new home.

what a girl! so sweet and simple with extraordinary attitude. (0h! i remember that writing to her cyber account.)
but what happened lately was; (excerpt from their conversation)

lady: are you in love?
guy: yes. with you.
lady: when was your feeling for me started?
guy: since the first time we go out together. me opened myself and so are you. but i only knew my feeling is real when i was not able to cast it off.
lady: maybe that was only an attraction and not love.
guy: okey. my feeling started ever since i let myself to open up to you. ever since the ringing tone of our telephone seem like a music when i expected your call. ever since your prescence encourage me to pick myself up. ever since you make me sweat times two than any ordinary day or situation. ever since i saw you in that mall wearing that see-through blouse. ever since you tell me your definition of what is blouse and what is a t-shirt and ever since you made me watch a tagalog movie that even my closest friend can't persuade me two and most of those were my first time but i enjoyed it like they were my favorites.
how i wish that i can do better like the rest of your suitor but im no expert when it comes to this. so, it is just me telling you the facts from my heart.
lady: i won't believe it. i can't believe it.
guy: why won't you believe me. what can i do to convinced you that everything i said is true.
lady: i won't believe because i haven't seen the things that you said.
guy: you didn't see? or you merely not able to notice it... now, you make my head spin. i don't know anymore, what to do with regards to this.
lady: regards to what?
guy: this! following my heart withourt compromising my work. you want it concrete, right? and i can't do that while im still in this situation. maybe there is but it is so limited. you know, its too much of you not to notice a single significant event of what we've done. how bout me remembering each and every detail of everything we did. isn't that a hard facts?
lady: anyone can remember that... honestly, i forgot the movie title we watched. what was it again?
guy: santa santita.
lady: .... uhm... do you know that i already have a boyfriend now.
guy: huh! ah... okey... you may neglect everything that i said. i don't want to ruin your present relationship. i think it is hard for me but i think i can bear the thought of without you in my side but i can't bear the thought of you unhappy by my side.

lady: don't you know i was waiting for you? i think the waiting is long enough thinking you had a feeling for me but its like waiting for nothing. why just now?
guy: after everything i had been, i thought i'll never "fall" in a year or two but i was wrong because i fall in love with you.

this happened yesterday, september 11, 2005. before this post was published the guy and the lady had a 3 minutes conversation through phone. the guy can't helped but felt in ecstasy despite of what happened.

imagine this.

i wake up at 10:00. i hate to but can do nothing against the scorching heat of the room. electric fan?!? it just spread the heat in the room. its SUNDAY and it really sucks because its a

super BORE day

super BORE day

super BORE day

i did not make any movements, i close my eyes, relax and tried to sleep back and i failed. i sit and get one of my book that i have read for three times already. i held it for a few minutes (just held it and never opened it), put it back and stand up (stretching the blub part of my body plus a huge yawn). i looked out at the window, stare in a distance and think of something that could save the day from the abyss of BOREDOM. an idea popped out but i'm not quite sure if it really can save the day. MALL! actually, there are two big malls within the city and i can't think of where exactly i am going. i took a quick bath and head for the mall, i even forgot to have my lunch.....

i decided to go to the farther though its a kilometer farther than the other one. i walked but its not that i don't have money for a ride, it just that im not really really really sure if it can really really really save my day. so, i might as well try to enjoy the walk while heading there(mall)........

what happened next is that there is nothing much to enjoy with the view while i was walking. heavy afternoon traffic, heavy smoke from different vehicles. vagrants are visible in every corners and direction while some passer-by, students and foreigners are displaying their latest cellphone and other gadgets while waiting for their respective rides. sigh! could you picture that? its just another cause of eyesore aside of heavy smoke from vehicles.

btw, by the time i was in the mall. i just sit in one of the benches there and in an hour of just sitting not knowing what to do and what to buy, i decided to went back home. this time i took a ride, went straight to my room, lay my back on the floor, stare at the ceiling until i fall asleep and the next. . . .

. . .its f*cking MONDAY again. . . . . .its f*cking MONDAY again. . . . . .its f*cking MONDAY again. . .

WWOORRKK!!!!

(at least there is something that could buy my time).

now, imagine that... i really have those kind of Sundays in my LIFE and it kills me, really.

there are days in our life that aren't worth saving but we must be glad, that, that day came and passed. we should thank HIM for that.

Angel In Disguise

lately, i met this girl, a college girl... met may be a much word for it but we had a few conversation, aight... not just nice looking and swell and all but really gorgeous looking girl. (that's for me) she looks so innocent and beautiful, long hair, fair complexion and a kissable lips. (wish i have the chance to kiss her before this)... so much definition for a 2nd-time-acquaintance like me but its not that i have seen here two times also, i have seen her almost everyday or better if i say i gotta've see her everyday. everytime i see her she still looks the same as gorgeous as ever but i am the one who's changing. you know, like looking an unidentified portrait or any art form, the more you look at it the more you understand about it, the more you appreciate it but still it stays the same as the first time you get a good look at it. like that, the frequent i saw her the better i get a look at her, i appreciate her more, i think she becomes more gorgeous everday, my feeling from appreciation to admiration and into something i can hardly define... like a wine, the longer it stays the better it taste... darn! i really thought that im falling for her though i also thought that im giving her a feeling when we have our short but worth contacts... but i can't picture myself being with her most of the time, maybe just to take her to bed but not as a boyfriend. don't know can't explain it. there is this one time, that it just dropped in my mind imagining her as a prostitute and im throwing my wallet in just to have that chance to ram her. darn! i didn't like to imagine that way it just bump into my mind though im imagining her but not on that crude sexual part, i swear.

by the way, i just knew lately that she's really a damngirl for hire, though i haven't prove it and don't have a plan to prove it, either. i can't even imagine again those things i had, i mean the way it bumped into my head before this. now i know that she is that kind of girl, not even another sexy imagination with her will materialize in between my ears , i just can't. everything i know from her in regards with the sexy part is from someone that i can't vouch to be a reliable one also. that is one problem in me, i easily believe in hearsay even if i haven't prove it myself though not that i really believe 100% but i give it a bigger weight till its proven, just in any case you want to read the truth. not that you can know immediately if she's a prostitute or not just by looking at her that is why i believe on the account of that someone.

anyway, i still look at her like an artform. maybe somethings were not meant to be change at all though i really, really feel sorry for her for not thinking of other decent werk for her school expenses(i assume that would be the reason) but i think, a girl for hire is better than being a plain damnBITCH. coz, i see the first one as victim of social situation than the later, who victimize other and blame it on society.

homesick #1

i don't know what to do
i don't know where to go

i don't even know why

they called it apartment

where aisle is the only space

that parted the congested rooms.

i keep thinking that i can do this

and it just keep on slipping out of my head.

now, the more i hope for it the worst it feels.

at first, i thought 3 years is not enough

and that i can even reach 10 long years

and now, it seems that 3 days of no work

is an infinite road of loneliness and boredom.

but then i thought. . . . i have this greatest CONFIDANT here.

i have this pen, these clean sheets and im in solitariness with HIM.

i may feel that im alone but for sure i will never be lonely again coz HE cheers me.

first crossroad

"then i have to find my luck here, sir" usually is the line that i say when relocation or assignment of job is on the other place or outside cebu.

the craving of getting a job pushes me to this edge of a barely 2 day decision. now i am in one of many crossroads in my life, that i have to decide...

overnight, i tried to decant everything what i really want but it seems that half of me is still undecided or maybe decided but not sure, it seems there is still a little commotion inside this little head, commotion of wants and didn't wants, commotion of what will i have there and what i have here. i thought, here? i already have a life though it is not so fulfilling because of the absence of job, yes lack of it means a little bit lacking of freedom also. freedom is one but thats for me only, at most that is what i feel.

darn!darn!darn!darn!darn!

now, the other half is willing to go, willing to experience everything especially being totally independent in facing each and every obstacles and most of all willing to take the risk... my verdict?

i will go!

i will go!

i will go!

i will go!

i will go!

the letter

yesterday, a friend asked for a little favor. he wanted me to make another letter similar to the one that i made way back in high school. i asked him if i really made him a letter before and he just smile and handed me a folded yellow paper. when i unfold it i recognize my handwriting and couldn't believe that i really made a love letter when i was in high school.... i tried to remember the drifted thoughts over the years and ask my friend if i could borrow it for days.

dear Beauty,

This missive of mine comes from the innermost chamber of my heart. I am sorry if I dare to court but I could no longer control this erratic beating of my heart. Not a day passes by without me thinking of you. I have been restless since the day we have known each other. Your memory constantly hunts me. I am ready to bear your anger but I could no longer bear the loneliness in the thoughts of losing you. The redemption of this poor lost love is at your mercy. I love you not only of what you are but what I am when I'm with you. I love you not only of what you have made of yourself but for what you are making of me. Can you cause the utter unhappiness of a person by refusing his undying love. Do I have to suffer because I love you. Don't we have much dream and share together. If I don't have your love I consider myself as a losser forever. That would be the finest day of my life in the time you'll utter the sweetest words I longed to hear. My world gets smaller and smaller as I wait for your favorable reply.

love,

mÖnster

i admit, i am guilty of plagiarism in writing this letter. i could still remember that the beginning and last sentence of this letter was taken from a weekend issue of a newspaper. but i can't believe that there is a romantic part in my soul before... then i remember about my part on this letter and that it was some kind of a failure in my case because it never reached its destination... but in my friend's situation it won the lady's heart and they survived for more than a year..

i tried to make another letter but i just can't gather my thoughts.

sober up!

i used to post something here when i got a shot of a few drinks may it be a beer or a strong liquor. but now i would like to do it more often when i am sober. now, im thinkin` that maybe the reason why until now i didn't understand what really is with me, is that i cease to think and comprehend it when i am sober and contemplation comes only when i am intoxicated... the real me might be bad or good and i don't want to get excite on it either because what will i discover in me might be the kind of person that i will despised most.... thing that i feared most is when i loss the will to live my life the way i do now... that is to share all the happiness in this world with my family and friends.

does this mean that i'll stay here often than before??? i hope so. *smilin`*

i try to spare more of my time here and for sure what you'll read next to this is

95% free of alcohol.

Better In A Distance

they say it is true that "if you're in love with someone there is a tendency that you forgot to love yourself". i don't know, maybe yes or maybe not... it work to others that way but to me? i don't know how it works(self-pity eats me).
from the very moment i met this girl i really wanted to be friend with her but god knows more than anyone present at that time that i wanted more than friendship..... days and weeks passed grabbing each and every possible chances to spend time with her and to know her better.... more weeks passed, there is a change of menu in the conversation and have a more intimate recipe added mixed with the insensible topics.... no second thoughts with regards in talking of problems with each other and become more comfortable with each others accompany. i never felt as close as a friend to anybody else than with her. the mere prescence of her is already a comfort whenever i feel i am in the bottom part of the world. a few days after that i feel like taking the friendship into another plateau i like my love, care and understanding for her to be recognize with more shades of color but i don't know how and there are lots of "what if's" boggling on my head.... one day she told me something i didn't know yet, something that really stabs straight in my heart.... sobbing, she said that they have this big fight with the person she loves and that she feels like ending her life is the solution to end her misery... on the next day i send her a message that whatever happens i am still here that loves, cares and understands her. this time in a platonic way and when she said that she knows and it goes the same with her...
it really feels great knowing it and its like a thorn pulled from my heart...
if i can't be the sun that shines in your day then let me be the moon that illuminates light in the darkness of your life's journey.
i know moon looks better in a distance, no craters.

The Moon

Photo taken by: Ronamae Chiong

stars/friends

tonight, a very cold wind is blowing through your clothing. you saw the moon which is like a child playing hide and seek with the thick cloud that threatens the dry-leaking land with heavy rains and for sure stars are countable if there are any at that time...

these stars may never be there until the morning comes and yes, there is always this sun for tomorrow but know this those few stars light up your night in some way or in their own little way...

...they may not as radiant as your sun every morning

but they shine still.....

...forever, may be.

haunted

i ended last night after a dramatic accompany of beer bottles just to forget this gurl even if its just in my sleep...

do i really WANT to forget this gurl???

do i really WANT to forget this gurl???

do i really WANT to forget this gurl???

why the thoughts of her haunts haunts haunts me???

...in every ordinary day i try hard to avoid seeing and listening to this gurl even in thoughts but every night in my dreams it always caught me off-guard.

V.E.D. 8/9/04

An angel that resides only a few months here on earth leave and left her parents in deep resentments (im sure). But as i stared at her laying with her eyes gazing at a certain direction but mine. Cannot help myself but feel pity and surrender to any weird ideas which try to barge in my head. Differences in each parents side are fully scrutinized and identified and thoughts that must not exist has been formulated. Exiting and begone in the midst of the wake is the next thing i tried to insinuate in me. Feeling of disparage and self-disdain buzz in me maybe because i know i should not think of it that way. God forgave me, not even half of the pain they feel can i contain yet i irrationaly conclude that it is a parental fault though it is vivid on their whining and lugubrious look that nobody wanted it. Having myself drowned into the heavy mix effect of brandy, rum and caffeine has somehow relieved the guilt recur that night. I know that my feeling of sympathy to the parents has now turned into a feeling of empathy to either side.

Just a glimpse of her pitiful angelic face breed a commotion in me as if shambles and serenity played hide and seek in my head. Killing myself is the least I can do to equate the equilibrium of tranquility and chaos that dwells in my head. Letting the night to fade and the sun to come while hitting myself hard with alcohol and caffeine is the best I can do to linger with the situation. Minutes and hours passed bottles of different wines were emptied but resentment and anger are still very apparent on the faces of the parents as if blaming on each fault. Nobody's fault, I say. It is part of HIS plan it is one of HIS way to mold us and be like more of HIM. This is what I feel and how I reacted on the night I saw little angel Vea Erika Dacua lie lifeless in her custom-made coffin, an angel and a look resemblance to virgin mary; soft and white skin, heart-shaped lips and black colored iris matched her deep setted melancholic eyes.