V.E.D. 8/9/04

An angel that resides only a few months here on earth leave and left her parents in deep resentments (im sure). But as i stared at her laying with her eyes gazing at a certain direction but mine. Cannot help myself but feel pity and surrender to any weird ideas which try to barge in my head. Differences in each parents side are fully scrutinized and identified and thoughts that must not exist has been formulated. Exiting and begone in the midst of the wake is the next thing i tried to insinuate in me. Feeling of disparage and self-disdain buzz in me maybe because i know i should not think of it that way. God forgave me, not even half of the pain they feel can i contain yet i irrationaly conclude that it is a parental fault though it is vivid on their whining and lugubrious look that nobody wanted it. Having myself drowned into the heavy mix effect of brandy, rum and caffeine has somehow relieved the guilt recur that night. I know that my feeling of sympathy to the parents has now turned into a feeling of empathy to either side.

Just a glimpse of her pitiful angelic face breed a commotion in me as if shambles and serenity played hide and seek in my head. Killing myself is the least I can do to equate the equilibrium of tranquility and chaos that dwells in my head. Letting the night to fade and the sun to come while hitting myself hard with alcohol and caffeine is the best I can do to linger with the situation. Minutes and hours passed bottles of different wines were emptied but resentment and anger are still very apparent on the faces of the parents as if blaming on each fault. Nobody's fault, I say. It is part of HIS plan it is one of HIS way to mold us and be like more of HIM. This is what I feel and how I reacted on the night I saw little angel Vea Erika Dacua lie lifeless in her custom-made coffin, an angel and a look resemblance to virgin mary; soft and white skin, heart-shaped lips and black colored iris matched her deep setted melancholic eyes.