My Fear

i fear that i will become less of myself.

i fear that i will become more like them.

i fear that if i don't stand up i will be forever locked into that chair and will not have the chance to stand again.

i fear...

i fear to become the person that i despised most.

Reminisce...

arrival: April 13,2006, exactly 5:53 am at Tandayag Wharf, Tampi, Negros Oriental. We ride a PUJ bound for Amlan municipal office then a tricycle to Tambojangin, our destination where a wake is waiting for the time of interment at 9:00 in the morning.

The place? It is more like our place in Bohol. One of the edge the place got is the electricity and i am experiencing it the first hand with my gurl and her mother. Its her mother's side so i'll have the chance to meet the rest of the Ramirez clan. Well, not all actually, because there are some who did not make it back home and still in the other region seeking greener pasture.
The burial? Same procedure, only this time the layman did the blessing because the priest is busy.(they say that maybe he celebrates the holy thursday with his family. not sure though, i don't know)... After the mass and the blessing we walk straight to the cemetery and then back home... We had a nice meal and an early good night sleep. Talking about and early sleep, that was the first time since September when i was still in Manila. Imagine, i sleep around 7:00 to 8:00 in the evening and woke up around the same hours or later than that.

April 14, 2006. Good Friday and our second day in Negros. We had our breakfast with coffee and milk. At around 10:00 to 11:00 in the morning, we went under the bamboo tree by the river bank. It was a sunny day but the breeze is cool specially under the tree. Lots of kids and teens swim, play and bathe in the river. The river has a clear running water because of its rocky basin... time passed and envy came, we decided to take a bath in the river and ask one of my honey's cousin to go with us. We bathe, fix ourselves and spent the rst of the afternoon chatting, cuddling and daydreaming in the cottage near the river. That was the most wonderful afternoon spent in Negros so quiet, breezy air and alone with my honey. By the sunset we played "tong-its" together with her cousin and had dinner in her auntie's place. Her older cousin, Irish invited us to go to there place on Saturday which was the supposed date for us to leave for Cebu. supposedly, because we agree to her cousin's invitation... back in her grandmother's house, we played card games until the rest of us fell sleepy and called it time for bed, that was around 10:00 to 10:30 in the evening.

April 15, 2006, 7:00 in the morning, we ready ourselves without taking a bath and went to her cousin's house in a pedicab. We drop by in her auntie's house(Irish mother) on our way to Irish's crib. We climb up and down a mountain to reach their place. The place is nice on the hill top, sugar cane field on the front yard and a cool wind. We had our breakfast and lunch with an hour or two intervals. We ate "seniguylas" and some junkfoods then we head back to Irish mother's house. The house is located by the sea shore(not white sand though) and its nice. Roxanne and me, had our short moment in the shore. We stroll, talk on stuffs and laugh. In the shore, she scribbled, "I LOVE YOU FELIPINO CASTORICO my honey" with her signature and so i also scribbled "ROXANNE my LIFE" in gothic. After she read what i wrote in the sand and exchange words of i love you's and kisses, she guides me in a distant feet away. It touch me when she added, "till death do us part" in the sand... everything stop at that very moment then the world starts to move in slow motion, she smiled and i turned into violet(i never blushed because im dark in complexion)... we walk, holding hands, laughing and sometimes i carry her on my back... when her cousin called and that it is time to go home, and the world rotates in normal-fast motion. When we reach Tambojangin, it was already late afternoon, left us a few minutes to take a bath before six and so we rush to the river and bathe. Again, we had our supper in one of her auntie's place. Bloated still a ate and after the supper we watched family pictures then went home for a short talke and rest. The following morning will be the day to say goodbye to her relatives and a 5 hours travel by bus...


it really feels good when i sit and reminisce this one.

d.r.a.w.k.c.a.b. <---

31st day of january, around 3:00 to 4:00 in the afternoon. at work, the guy is sitting on the chair, 10 feet away from the monitor, cellular phone at the right hand and out in the open, television remote control in the left, eyes filled with tears which are ready to race down his chin at any given moment, body is shaking and feet frozen...

message:

....i cn't stop ds runnin tears down my cheeks bcoz of missing u. honey, please come h0m asap.

that was part of the message the guy read at that time. his colleagues, guess by his reaction and said, "he was dumped through text and was such a cry baby". at that very moment the guy just became the clown in the office. he tried to race to the comfort room but too late because his tears were at the finish line... he stand up slowly, walk through the hallway and into the comfort room. thought of everything that happend yet he couldn't find any idea than putting his reply into words and say it by phone... he waited for the supposedly right time to call his girl but what caught him was a very cold reply to his hello... and that was the moment he waited for just fell down right there... the guy, put his words in text and...

message:
hon, i wantd 2 say ds last nyt but ddnt had d tym. hon, i knw ds rlationshp sn't easy 4 us but lets jst stay strong. many tyms, i cried bcoz of missing u badly... honey, evn f n tym dat w'll b 2gdr i cant promis dat none of us wil cry dspite of doing my best n prevntng crtain stuation. i only promis 2 b by on ur side undrstndng, loving nd taking care of u. i love u so much honey. i wil take any risk or b at safe n lyf as long as 8 s spent wit u. i love u honey.

the lady said, your reply was too late... forget about it i don't need to hear your explanation. she said that not knowing what really happened.


as i witnessed that, i just wish and hope that the lady will know how much the guy really feels for her.

te amo mucho

Si usted piensa eso im que comprueba usted para algo que me dudo entonces le dice que no sea. Confío en que usted y su palabra es bastante para mí. I uniforme, el fieltro el colmillo de los celos que machaca a través de mi jaula de la costilla y recto a mi corazón, de usted redacta simplemente.

Nunca cuidé como esto para cualquier muchacha a partir de mi pasado y odio admitir pero es verdad que usted es el único que me hizo la sensación cómo los celos dolorosos realmente están. Realmente. No deseo eso que cuida para hacer disparador que posee no por celos pero inútil, ése es porqué deseé expresar mi cuidado para usted siempre que tenga la ocasión incluso en esta gran distancia.

Hon, todo lo que deseo debe cuidar, entender y amarle, no solamente en el tiempo usted brilla pero cuando sus defectos son visibles, también. Te amo tanto, hon.

i don't know how to speak spanish and i just hope it is translated just the way i wanted to say it.

i love you very much

If you think that im checking you for something that i doubt then i tell you that i am not. I trust you and your word is enough for me. I even, felt the fang of jealousy crushing through my rib cage and straight to my heart, merely from you words.

I never cared like this for any girl from my past and i hate to admit but it is true that you are the only one that made me feel how painful jealousy really is. Really. I do not want that caring to become possessing trigger not by jealousy but vain, that is why i wanted to express my care for you whenever i have the chance even at this great distance.

Hon, all i want is to care, understand and love you, not only in the time that you shine but when your flaws are visible, also. I love you so much, hon.


i post it again.
this might be my last post until im in cebu, in my room using the computer. *sigh*
hopin that everything will be alright after this...

not only for the ten times i ask you to chat with me using webcam and not only for the ten times you turned it down with a "just" reason... now you said that you are supposed to ask me to chat with you using cam....
you ask me not to spend overtime in my work because you wanted to talk to me, but when i did.... there you are using computer in your sister's place...

now, i wanted to look at the other end for a positive something. i just don't want to understand that.